When I was driving home from work yesterday, I noticed a Yoga studio has opened up in a strip mall near my home. There was a sign outside offering daily classes for $5 for the next two weeks, so I bounced in there full of enthusiasm to find out more. I came home armed with a schedule and some other information, and promised the girl at the desk that I would see her at 6pm today for class.
I didn't go. I'm not saying I won't go at all, in fact I think I might try for Saturday morning's class, but I have to admit Yoga makes me a little uneasy.
There are a couple of reasons for this. For one thing, my past experiences with Yoga haven't been completely positive. Last year, while I lay face down and sprawled out on the mat during Hot Yoga I swore I would never again expose myself to such high temperatures unless I was getting a tan. Another time I made a huge fool of myself when the yoga instructor clasped her hands together and bowed her head slightly towards me. "Namaste!" she said, to which I replied "Sure. One sugar and a little milk, please."
Namaste...This brings me to the other reason why yoga makes me feel slightly apprehensive. I'm sure Sanskrit is a beautiful language, but it sounds a little hokey coming from someone whose only enlightened experience has been in the bargain section of Lulu Lemon.
So, in preparation for class on Saturday, I've decided to break down four of the basic poses into something understandable and meaningful to me.
(These next three poses require you to think carefully about where you will stand in the yoga studio. Preferably you are in the back row, and someone you know is in front of you.)
3. Adho Mukha Svanasana
I refer to this as the Does My Ass Look Fat in these Yoga Pants Pose.
4. Ashtanga Namaskara
I refuse to do this pose. Ever. I think I'd be embarassed to try it even if I was by myself. This is the Flatulence II Pose.
So, there you have it. Some beginner yoga poses. After writing this post, I think I'm even less likely to attend Saturday's class than before, although I read about a new yoga mash-up on this blog which combines pot and yoga. Although I'm not a marijuana advocate, at this point I think it sounds like a damn good idea.
Until next time,