Thursday, September 16, 2010

Bad Cat

Here is my golden rule regarding pets:
Only buy a pet that is small enough to flush and/or has a life expectancy of less than one year.  Examples include hamsters, goldfish and small garden-variety insects such as  ladybugs or houseflies.
For many years, my rule served me well, until I bought an adult cat, named Kitten, from a cat rescue six years ago.  He is not flushable, and I have a feeling he will outlive me and my entire family.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.  Incredibly affectionate and well-behaved, he appeared so grateful to be coming home with us that day.

For a while things went smoothly.

Then, one day, Kitten developed a blockage of crystals in his urinary tract, which resulted in his inability to use the tray.  Surgery was required at a cost of over $1200.00.  I was worried about him, and concerned about my dwindling bank account.  Two days later, I noticed he was having trouble urinating, so I whisked him back to the vet.  I picked him up at the clinic a couple of days later and was presented with a $250.00 bill.  The verdict?  Psychological. 

Psycho-bloody-logical!??  I was incredulous.  And that wasn't all.  From now on, Kitten was to be on a special and very expensive diet called Urinary-SO (sounds tasty, doesn't it?)  I swear he smirked at me from his cat box in the back seat.

I think this was the point Kitten's personality did a complete 180.  He knew I wouldn't abandon him and since then has behaved exactly as he pleases.  All the time.  No longer is Kitten grateful.  Oh, he pretends sometimes, rubbing past my legs, or looking soulfully up at me before biting me hard in the ankles, but he's not.  My cat is a thug. He lies in wait for me when I walk down the stairs and then reaches out from his ledge to swat me in the head.  If I call him to come and sit with me, he refuses, yet when I'm busy on the computer he insists on draping his paws around my shoulders and sucking my earlobes.  It's revolting, and family and friends don't come around much anymore.  Kitten is also the only cat I know with a drooling problem.

In addition to his $150,000 food bill, I have also had to give him a Soft Claws manicure, to stop him scratching the furniture.  He could spend a day at my local wellness spa for less money.  Maybe I should just have his feet would be a lot less pricey, and would solve a whole host of other problems.

But no...I suppose I'll carry on, deal with the terrible abuse and hope that one day he becomes a sedate lap cat.  Because for all his quirks and his dreadful temper, he's more fun than a hamster or a goldfish.

Until next time,


  1. He makes crystals? If you change his diet, do you think he could make diamonds?

  2. Good idea! And then after two weeks I'll slice him open and see if he's produced anything...

  3. Well, it would only seem fair for him to produce diamonds, wouldn’t it? He could pay his own vet’s bills.
    The enigmatic, masked blogger strikes again

  4. Hey is this that missing cat, kind of looks like her but she not wearing a red hat.....I guess this is not Missy. LOL

  5. I kind of wish he would go missing sometimes.