Top 5 Unfortunate Typos

People make mistakes in their writing all the time.  I understand that.  I make mistakes too.  But after my beg bug post I decided to dig a little deeper into the world of typos, and found that a missed letter or number here and there can be really quite catastrophic.  Here are five of the best (or worst):


1.  The Crowne Plaza Quarto D'Altino hotel in Venice, Italy, decided to honor reservations made on August 9th, 2009 after its rooms were advertised online for 1 cent per night.  Although the mistake was quickly rectified, the hotel lost over $129,000 in revenue.  (Meanwhile, yours truly was on vacation in Texas at that time and paying $89.95 to stay at a Motel 6.  Life is so unfair.)


2.  This is a picture of the Mariner 1 launch on July 22, 1962.

Its purpose was to fly past Venus and I suppose collect some sort of complicated space data (I skipped that paragraph).  Instead, the Mariner 1 began behaving erratically and was sent into the ocean.  The cause?  A NASA employee had missed a hyphen while writing the computer code for the mission.  The cost?  $18.5 million dollars.  I bet that guy felt bad.  I dropped an entire tray of coffee mugs once when I was a waitress, so I can relate.

3.  Note to self:  If I ever get anything indelibly inked on my skin,  it will only be from someone who can satisfactorily pass an impromptu spelling test. 

No.  Actually, you're not awesome at all.

4.  This is a blunder of epic proportions.  Not only must the engraver have spent hundreds of hours creating the mold for the 2008 issue of the Chilean 50 peso coin, but I'm sure the odd person must have checked it over before minting several thousand of them and sending them into circulation.

Chiie?  Really. 

Even I would have caught that one.










5.  And finally, the most horrendous of all typos.  Earlier this year Penguin Books Australia issued an apology for a recipe in the Pasta Bible cookbook which called for "salt and freshly ground black people."  Ouch.  7000 copies of the book were destroyed, although those that had already been shipped to retailers were not recalled.  Hmmm...just goes to show that spell check isn't always your friend.

That's Life!

Last night I watched the first two episodes of the BBC series Life.   If you haven't seen it, it's about the lengths to which animals will go to survive.

My friend Shannon had warned me about the program.  She said that every segment tells a little story.  First, they make you fall in love with an animal, and then they kill it.

Two boxes of kleenex later, I realize she was right.

Take the Chinstrap penguin for example.  It's my favorite penguin, probably because it's the underdog in a world that seems fascinated by the super-boring Emperor penguin.  (If I have to hear about male Emperor penguins balancing eggs on their toes one more time....)




Super adorable Chinstrap penguin (taken from oceanlori.com)

In the program, they showed the Chinstrap mothers leaving their babies after feeding them for the last time.  The baby penguins, now alone, know that their only chance of survival is to make it out to open water.  So off they waddle towards the ocean.  Of course, BBC is careful to show the most adorable ones - the penguins with a bit of baby down still attached to the top of their heads, or the particularly uncoordinated ones whose mishaps warm your heart, just a little. 

Bravely they stand at the ocean's edge and plop sweetly into the water.  Ahead of them is some pack ice which they must navigate first before they reach the relative safety of the open water.  One of the fluffiest Chinstraps decides to lead the way, innocently bobbing along in the ice floe.

But danger is lurking just ahead.

This is the leopard seal, and it's got a face only a mother could love.

(Image taken from mnn.com)

Quick as lightning, the leopard seal appears out of nowhere.  The baby Chinstrap doesn't have a chance.  It flaps furiously, but it's awkward little wings are no match for the gaping jaws of the seal. 

(Image taken from discoverychannel.com)

I would like to say that the horrible ordeal is over with quickly, but it appears the leopard seal likes to play with its food.  For the next minute the chinstrap penguin is tossed back and forth, until finally it succumbs.  The last we see of the penguin is its half-eaten carcass falling to the bottom of the ocean bed. 

Meanwhile I'm a blubbering idiot, and seriously considering an expedition to Antarctica to club some seals.

BBC's Life is beautifully filmed and very informative.  But it's hardly upbeat and fun.  So, to end this post on a positive note, I'm including a clip from one of my other favorite documentaries, Animals Are Beautiful People, by Jamie Uys.




Until next time,

If I Could Turn Back Time...

I've been wearing jeans to work a lot lately, mainly because they go well with my Converse shoes which (although horrendously smelly) I love.  But a couple of days ago, I figured I'd wear a pair of dress pants to work.  I found a pair quite easily in the dark (6am is too early for Baz) but didn't seem to be able to find a top to go with it.

Frustrated, I flipped on the light, and started going through my closet.  Not only couldn't I find an appropriate dress top, I couldn't find ANY dress top.  No blouses.  No dress shirts.  Nothing.  My closet is pretty organized, but I pulled everything out in a frantic attempt to find something to wear.  Nada.

I stood there for a minute trying to think where I could have put my clothes.  I checked the laundry room, my underwear drawer, the hall closet and my office closet.  I was about to start going through the kitchen cupboards when it finally dawned on me....

I moved to my new house in July, and while I was packing up my apartment, I filled several black garbage bags with clothes for the Salvation Army and several black garbage bags with clothes I wanted to keep.  It's funny, because I distinctly remember standing there thinking that I should be careful to keep the two piles separate.  Obviously I wasn't careful enough.

I called the Salvation Army immediately with my woeful story, but apparently all their clothes are shipped out within days of being received.  The sales girl told me they were sending quite a few shipments out to Pakistan.  That's great.  I'm all for sending donations to countries ravaged by natural disasters, but I'm unsure how my dress shirts will benefit people with no food or homes. 

I suppose the politically correct response should be that if it puts a smile on someone's face it's worth it, right?   Well, I also discovered that I put all my winter sweaters in the Sally Ann bag as well.  I'm sure it gets chilly in Pakistan, but I'm not sure how generous I'll feel when it's -40 degrees in Winnipeg and I'm trying to fend off hypothermia.

I think I'll go to the Salvation Army tomorrow and do some shopping.

Take care,

How to Make it Rich as a Modern Artist - Part 2

In yesterday's post, I discussed the first three steps you need to take to make your fortune as a modern artist.  If you haven't had chance to read the first post, you'll find it below.

Now, I'm assuming everyone's had time to come up with an artsy-sounding name, created a new persona, moved to a more exotic locale and painted their first masterpiece.  Good.  Now for the last two steps.

4.  Name Your Masterpiece.
You might think this step is easy, but in fact it is much more difficult than creating the artwork itself.  It is vital that the name is thought-provoking.  You want those who see your art to really have to THINK about what it means.  Make up words, use little-known characters from mythology, foreign words, or choose "loaded" names or words with many connotations.    If they have to Google the title of your piece for meaning, it will ultimately mean dollars in your pocket.  Here are some examples:




Onement, 1 (1948)by Barnett Newman
Image taken from http://www.moma.org/

(As an aside, Barnett Newman proclaimed the above painting to be his "artistic breakthrough.")


Abraham (1949) by Barnett Newman
Image taken from http://www.moma.org/



Bacchus by Cy Twombly
Image taken from http://www.artnet.com/

I decided to give it a go, and this is what I came up with.



Astghik (2010)

5.  Show Your Work
Once you have a repertoire of work, you'll be ready to show it off in a gallery.  This is essential in getting your work known.  If possible, ensure your canvases are HUGE.  (See Cy Twombly's Bacchus above).  There is an inverse correlation between the size of the canvas and the amount of time you have to spend painting.  Consider Bacchus, and then compare it with Albrecht Durer's A Young Hare, which is only 23cm x 25cm.

***

Try to find a venue in a large city, if at all possible.  If art galleries are unwilling to let a newcomer showcase their work, rent an old warehouse.  Now for the important bit.  Invite friends, family and acquaintances to your show, and pay them to come daily.  (This is assuming you still have the odd friend after becoming a recluse.)  Ensure they are dressed appropriately each day - preferably eclectic.  Scarves, dangly earrings and Birkenstocks should be encouraged regardless of gender. 

Your friends should now practice some key stances and phrases to be used around actual patrons visiting the show.  Sitting for extended periods of time with the hand supporting the chin is a good idea, as is clasping the hands together and pressing both index fingers against the lips.  If you have a beard, stroke it. 

Now, practice some key phrases which you can throw in at opportune moments.  Things like...

          *...divides and unites the composition...

          *....transformed my understanding of....

          *...intertwines myth and memory....

          *...confronts religious stereotypes....

          *...can almost hear the picture....

          *...tragically ironic....

See if you can apply any of those phrases to the following...

The Keeper of Sheep (1992) by Cy Twombly

And there you have it.  All the steps you need to become a rich and famous artist.  It's 8pm right now, and I'm going to end my post here, because I figure I can knock off about eight masterpieces before bedtime. 

I wish all you budding artists lots of luck!

How to Make it Rich as a Modern Artist

Over the last several weeks, I've been trying to figure out a way to get rich quick.  I mean stinking rich.  Most of my ideas are either illegal or seem to end up with me crocheting winter hats and scarves (which is neither quick nor likely to make me rich) and then yesterday I came up with THE answer.

I'm going to make my millions selling modern art.  And I'm going to show you how to do it too.  In five easy steps.

1.  Invent a new name.
Your name now is almost guaranteed not to be good enough.  It needs to have that certain ring to it, that je ne sais quoi that makes those who appreciate your art feel wildly intelligent just pronouncing it.  It must be at least 25 letters in length (as in Friedensreich Hundertwasser) or so ridiculous sounding that it makes the artist sound like a genius (Cy Twombly).

2. Create a Persona.
This is the most difficult part of becoming a rich and famous artist. Your real life probably won't do.  First of all, you'll have to remove your Facebook profile and any mention of your past.  You have to create an air of mystery, and if there are photos of you from last year's Christmas party with your underwear wrapped around your head, this will not help.

If at all possible, move.  Not to a single detached bungalow in the suburbs either.  If you can afford to move to Belize, or Tasmania or Cameroon, go there now.  If you have to stay where you are, then move to a shack in a rundown area of the city, or an abandoned church, or an old tent in the bush.  American artist Cy Twombly moved to a grimy area of Rome which once burned heretics.  This is an excellent choice of living location.

Become a recluse.  If you're a naturally gregarious person, this might be difficult to achieve, so you might want to get an aggressive dog, or several hundred cats. 

Finally, when out in public, do things that get you noticed.  Once your art is well-known, you want people to see you as "misunderstood" rather than strange.  Hundertwasser was brilliant at this, as can be seen from this speech he gave in 1968.

3.  Create Your Masterpiece
Now for the easy and most fun part of the exercise!  You can use absolutely anything to create your art - Joash Woodrow of Yorkshire, England, used coal sacks, potato bags, cereal boxes and even smashed up his piano to use as pieces for a sculpture.  (This last move, by the way, is brilliant, because it adds to the perplexing persona of the mad artist.)  If you don't have the inclination to sculpt, then splurge on a large canvas and create your art that way.  Incorporate pens, pencils, paint, used engine oil - anything that will stick to the surface is fair game.
Now, what will you draw?  Here is the key.  It does not matter.  Anything is fine.  Here is an example. 

This piece, entitled "No. 5, 1948" by Jackson Pollock sold for $140 million dollars in 2006.  I don't think Pollock even sketched the picture lightly in pencil first.  So, just go for it.  Here's another example from Cy Twombly.

As you can see from this example, if you can't think of anything to draw or paint, just write something.  You don't even have to have a steady hand, and if you need to cross bits out, don't go hunting for that eraser, just let it be part of the art. 

Once you've completed your first work,you're well on your way to becoming a filthy rich modern artist!  In the next installment I will show you the two important final steps needed to ensure success in your new career.

Until then....good luck!

Cinderella (not of the Disney variety)

I came across this picture today, and it reminded me of the summer of 1987 when I went to England  to visit  relatives with my best friend Shannon.

We were teenagers at the time and all we cared about were boys and music.  Shannon had bought a walkman and we brought lots of tapes with us and spent hours listening to music.

One afternoon, while we were staying with my two elderly aunts - Auntie Mary and Auntie Marjorie - we relaxed in the downstairs sitting room and listened to Cinderella - one of the quintessential hair metal bands of the 1980's.  Auntie Marjorie, who must have been in her eighties at the time, came into the room and asked what we were listening to.  I was a bit reluctant to give her the headphones but she insisted.  So, I passed them over and turned the music right down, hoping that her deafness would work in my favour.  But no.

"I can't hear it," she said.

"That's ok Auntie Marjorie.  It's probably not really your type of music."

"Turn it up.  I can't hear it!" she replied.  I turned it up slightly.

"Where's the volume?" she yelled. 

I showed her the volume, and was horrified to see her turn the dial right up to the maximum.  I could easily hear lead singer Tom Kiefer's whine through the headphones, and was waiting for poor old Auntie Marjorie to turn it off in disgust.  But to my surprise she started tapping her foot and humming along with the music.

Several minutes passed and the song was over. 

"Ooh, I liked that!" exclaimed Auntie Marjorie.  She reached across me for the cassette case and glanced at the picture of the band on the front.  "And are these the lovely ladies that sing this song?"

Auntie Marjorie was the best.

All Quiet on the Blog Front

I haven't felt particularly imaginative over the last couple of days.  Maybe it's because there's nothing really going on.  And I don't think it's just me - there doesn't seem to be much happening anywhere.
Case in point.  Yesterday, on CBC Winnipeg radio, one of the news items announced was -

Firefighter taken to hospital after injuries sustained in a blaze. 

Ok.  Fair enough.  Firefighters do an excellent job in this city, so this headline seemed newsworthy.
But then...

A firefighter was taken to hospital today after sustaining an injury to his eye.  This occurred while fighting a house fire early this morning.  Doctors have described the injury as 'a minor eye irritation.'

At the risk of sounding callous, I think they were scraping the bottom of the barrel with that story.  Not that it's not newsworthy to someone.  eg. "Hi honey!  Just wanted to let you know I'll be a little late for lunch.  Got a bit of smoke in my eye this morning and it's kind of itchy, so I'm at the hospital getting it checked out."

I had two minor eye irritations last year and nobody cared.