Monday, October 4, 2010

Ten Things I've Learned From TLC

TLC.  The Learning Channel.  When I moved back to Canada in 2003 after spending several years in Germany, I made sure that TLC was included in my television cable package.  You see I love learning new things.  I read a lot, I take courses, I scour the internet for information, I listen to talk radio.  Learning is fun.  And so, I thought, TLC would provide hours of entertaining yet educational programming.  I suppose in one respect I was not disappointed - it's certainly entertaining.

Here are the top ten things I have learned from TLC:

1)  If you want your three year old daughter to stand still for a spray tan, promise her a puppy.  This makes you a good pageant parent. (Toddlers and Tiaras)

2)  Mall security must go above and beyond the call of duty to avoid a potential powder keg when dealing with tray-hoarding food court vendors.  (Mall Cops)

3)  The bottom layer of junk in a hoarder's home decomposes into dirt and usually contains at least one very dead and very flat cat. (Hoarding: Buried Alive)

4)  If you're a dwarf, TLC will include you in next season's fall lineup.  (The Little Chocolatiers, Little People Big World, The Little Couple, Little Parents Big Pregnancy)

5)  If I every get married again, it will be in jeans and a T-shirt.  Wedding dresses turn brides into rude, selfish bitches.  (Say Yes to the Dress, Plus-Size Brides, Four Weddings)

6)  Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar should really heed the saying, "It's a vagina, not a clown car." (19 Kids and Counting)

8)  It is possible to weigh an extra-morbidly obese person in one of the two following ways: a) implementing a winch and a scale usually reserved for large aquatic animals such as dolphins and whales or b) cutting a hole in the side of the house to extract the person, and then transporting them to a vehicle weigh station on the back of a flat-bed truck. (World's Fattest Man, World's Heaviest Teen, World's Heaviest Man)

9) If you give birth to multiples, TLC has a show with your name on it.  (Jon and Kate Plus 8, Kate Plus 8, Sextuplets Take New York, Quints By Surprise)

10)  If you're a little person and give birth to multiples, drop me a line.  I'd love to be your manager.


Until next time,

6 comments:

  1. They are all so true! Especially #5...really? I mean really? Your budget is $10,000 and you're still not happy??

    XO
    Lenore

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  2. Hi Tracey,
    Looks like you've got a bit of a Winnipeg thing happening. I note the above superb blogger, who has graced you with a comment, is also from your town, Winnipeg, home of the mighty Blue Bombers and once home to the Winnipeg Jets...sorry, I digress.
    Once again, your blog title through me off. Yes, I get thrown off, quite a lot. Off buses, trains, taxis... You see, I thought 'TLC' might just be a reference to 'Tender Loving Care'. I was wrong, of course, but this posting is so much better than a bit of that type of TLC and loads more informative.
    Hey, thanks for sharing this fascinating info.
    Have a fantastic day. I'm going to go and watch a bit of the Knowledge Network. I needs me some edumucation, or sumfink like that.
    Take care, Gary :-)

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  3. Lenore...I know what you mean - $10 000 is a little much for a wedding dress. I get so tired of watching these shows where the bride treats her family friends and fiance like dirt, because "it's her special day!" :)
    Gary...I hope you got a bit of edumacation from the Knowledge Network...I wonder if it's any better than our educational programming!

    Take care,
    Tracey

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  4. Whoops, I tuned into the 'Cartoon Network. Now, that's what I call real 'edumucation'.
    Of course, the Knowledge Network is B.C.'s public educational broadcaster. Nothing like a bit of learning, west coast style:-)

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  5. Gary - do they still have Open University in England? I remember years ago there was a teacher on there who would talk about calculus and algorithms (sp?) and other such things I know nothing about. He was the most boring man alive.

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  6. Hi Tracey,
    Okay, just before I crash out. It's gone 3:00 A.M. here, but I felt it only right to inform you that the Open University is still happening. It is available via the BBC.
    Some man more boring than me? Yikes!
    I have posted up my award and humbly thanked you for your kindness in bestowing one of blogging's biggest awards to humble and shy me. Thanks again and good night.
    Kind wishes and a yawn, your way, Gary :-)

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