TLC. The Learning Channel. When I moved back to Canada in 2003 after spending several years in Germany, I made sure that TLC was included in my television cable package. You see I love learning new things. I read a lot, I take courses, I scour the internet for information, I listen to talk radio. Learning is fun. And so, I thought, TLC would provide hours of entertaining yet educational programming. I suppose in one respect I was not disappointed - it's certainly entertaining.
Here are the top ten things I have learned from TLC:
1) If you want your three year old daughter to stand still for a spray tan, promise her a puppy. This makes you a good pageant parent. (Toddlers and Tiaras)
2) Mall security must go above and beyond the call of duty to avoid a potential powder keg when dealing with tray-hoarding food court vendors. (Mall Cops)
3) The bottom layer of junk in a hoarder's home decomposes into dirt and usually contains at least one very dead and very flat cat. (Hoarding: Buried Alive)
4) If you're a dwarf, TLC will include you in next season's fall lineup. (The Little Chocolatiers, Little People Big World, The Little Couple, Little Parents Big Pregnancy)
5) If I every get married again, it will be in jeans and a T-shirt. Wedding dresses turn brides into rude, selfish bitches. (Say Yes to the Dress, Plus-Size Brides, Four Weddings)
6) Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar should really heed the saying, "It's a vagina, not a clown car." (19 Kids and Counting)
8) It is possible to weigh an extra-morbidly obese person in one of the two following ways: a) implementing a winch and a scale usually reserved for large aquatic animals such as dolphins and whales or b) cutting a hole in the side of the house to extract the person, and then transporting them to a vehicle weigh station on the back of a flat-bed truck. (World's Fattest Man, World's Heaviest Teen, World's Heaviest Man)
9) If you give birth to multiples, TLC has a show with your name on it. (Jon and Kate Plus 8, Kate Plus 8, Sextuplets Take New York, Quints By Surprise)
10) If you're a little person and give birth to multiples, drop me a line. I'd love to be your manager.
Until next time,