All Quiet on the Blog Front

I haven't felt particularly imaginative over the last couple of days.  Maybe it's because there's nothing really going on.  And I don't think it's just me - there doesn't seem to be much happening anywhere.
Case in point.  Yesterday, on CBC Winnipeg radio, one of the news items announced was -

Firefighter taken to hospital after injuries sustained in a blaze. 

Ok.  Fair enough.  Firefighters do an excellent job in this city, so this headline seemed newsworthy.
But then...

A firefighter was taken to hospital today after sustaining an injury to his eye.  This occurred while fighting a house fire early this morning.  Doctors have described the injury as 'a minor eye irritation.'

At the risk of sounding callous, I think they were scraping the bottom of the barrel with that story.  Not that it's not newsworthy to someone.  eg. "Hi honey!  Just wanted to let you know I'll be a little late for lunch.  Got a bit of smoke in my eye this morning and it's kind of itchy, so I'm at the hospital getting it checked out."

I had two minor eye irritations last year and nobody cared.

Bad Cat

Here is my golden rule regarding pets:

Only buy a pet that is small enough to flush and/or has a life expectancy of less than one year.  Examples include hamsters, goldfish and small garden-variety insects such as  ladybugs or houseflies.

For many years, my rule served me well, until I bought an adult cat, named Kitten, from a cat rescue six years ago.  He is not flushable, and I have a feeling he will outlive me and my entire family.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.  Incredibly affectionate and well-behaved, he appeared so grateful to be coming home with us that day.

For a while things went smoothly.

Then, one day, Kitten developed a blockage of crystals in his urinary tract, which resulted in his inability to use the tray.  Surgery was required at a cost of over $1200.00.  I was worried about him, and concerned about my dwindling bank account.  Two days later, I noticed he was having trouble urinating, so I whisked him back to the vet.  I picked him up at the clinic a couple of days later and was presented with a $250.00 bill.  The verdict?  Psychological. 

Psycho-bloody-logical!??  I was incredulous.  And that wasn't all.  From now on, Kitten was to be on a special and very expensive diet called Urinary-SO (sounds tasty, doesn't it?)  I swear he smirked at me from his cat box in the back seat.

I think this was the point Kitten's personality did a complete 180.  He knew I wouldn't abandon him and since then has behaved exactly as he pleases.  All the time.  No longer is Kitten grateful.  Oh, he pretends sometimes, rubbing past my legs, or looking soulfully up at me before biting me hard in the ankles, but he's not.  My cat is a thug. He lies in wait for me when I walk down the stairs and then reaches out from his ledge to swat me in the head.  If I call him to come and sit with me, he refuses, yet when I'm busy on the computer he insists on draping his paws around my shoulders and sucking my earlobes.  It's revolting, and family and friends don't come around much anymore.  Kitten is also the only cat I know with a drooling problem.

In addition to his $150,000 food bill, I have also had to give him a Soft Claws manicure, to stop him scratching the furniture.  He could spend a day at my local wellness spa for less money.  Maybe I should just have his feet removed...it would be a lot less pricey, and would solve a whole host of other problems.

But no...I suppose I'll carry on, deal with the terrible abuse and hope that one day he becomes a sedate lap cat.  Because for all his quirks and his dreadful temper, he's more fun than a hamster or a goldfish.

Until next time,

Oprah's Final Season...(Lord Give Me Strength)

I'm tired.  I'm tired and I've had enough. 

Oprah's final season kicked off this week and since then I've heard about little else.  On Monday, she lavishly bestowed a trip to Australia upon her unsuspecting audience.  Except that it didn't cost her a cent.  The Australian government is footing the 2.7 million dollar bill. ( It must be nice to be rich AND get people to pay for gifts on your behalf.)

God help the Australians when these women are turned loose on their country.  And God help us too.   I can see it now.  Images of Oprah mauling koala bears, hugging baby kangaroos, and probably a teary-eyed speech about the Aboriginals while standing with a wallaby in front of  Ayer's Rock.

Oprah is a phony.  She's not "everywoman."  She has built her empire by being the Queen of Trash, which she continues to this day, albeit behind a very thin veneer of civility and decorum.  If you don't believe me, check out her website.  Right now she's looking for people for an upcoming show...

Are you ready to open up about something you may have been too ashamed to share in the past; taboo topics that keep many women suffering in silence? Have you endured a miscarriage, had an abortion, or gotten an STD? Have you been living in shame, fear or anger but feel you're now ready to share your story with others? Are there any other taboo topics you feel women fear discussing publicly? https://www.oprah.com/ownshow/plug_form.html?plug_id=4630279

Right.  I guess that must be all part of "Living Your Best Life."

While looking through her website earlier, I saw something entitled "Oprah-fy Yourself!"  I'd heard of "Oprahfication" which http://www.urbandictionary.com/ defines as "the ability to apply oprah's favorite doctor, celebrity or personality to your own life to make you a "better" person...only in oprah's eyes..."
but I'd never heard of "Oprah-fy." 

Oh!  What fun!  I get to superimpose my face onto Oprah's head and shoulders.  It doesn't get more exciting than this!

Luckily this is Oprah's final season.  In fact, at the time of writing her show will be officially over in 11 months, 23 days, 13 hours and 17 minutes.  It can't come soon enough for me.

If I'm really lucky, maybe she'll be eaten by a dingo.

Until next time,

Beg Bugs?!

This is what I saw this morning on the front page of Yahoo! news.

Beg bugs!  What fascinating little creatures.  They sound so much more intelligent than their common cousins.  I've never heard of an insect that does tricks.  I wonder if they roll over and play dead as well?  The one on the guy's finger certainly looks alert and willing to learn.

I don't really want beg bugs in my house, but just think of the possibilities.  How about a beg bug circus?  Or Letterman's Stupid Pet Tricks? Youtube videos featuring beg bugs would go viral.  These little guys could be worth their weight in gold.  And, if nothing else, catching them would be a breeze.  Coax them out of their hiding places with flakes of skin and when they get up on their hind legs to beg, capture them by their tiny hands. 

Maybe get someone to proofread your stuff, you yahoos!

Until next time,

That'll Show 'Em!

It is currently Sunday afternoon at 2.24pm.  Stinky had a friend over last night, and when I got up this morning she told me they had gone to bed at 6am.  Consequently, she has now been asleep on the couch for 4 hours.  Baz is also still asleep.

I like to get up early at weekends and do stuff.  Fun things I have no time for during the rest of the week.  So today has been a bit of a washout.  I'm a teensy bit irritated now, so about an hour ago I decided to get them back.  This is what I've done so far:

     -finished off the tub of their favourite ice cream.
     -eaten the big bag of chips that we were going to have for a snack tonight.
     -had the last freezie pop from the fridge.

If they don't get up soon, I might have some of the pizza I was going to make for supper. 
That will really serve them right.

Let's Celebrate the Fun Terry Jones!

I'm sure you've all heard about Terry Jones, the so-called preacher of a church in Florida.  He's the on-again, off-again Koran burner, who's hoping to send a message to Muslims about plans to build a Islamic community centre near ground zero.

Super boring.  I cannot believe that the media are giving this guy credence or a platform for his hate-filled speeches.  I could not care less whether he goes through with burning the Koran or not.  Why?  Because he's a moron, that's why.  The reason he's doing it is obvious - his 15 minutes of "fame."  Unfortunately the media are not much more intelligent.  It was just the top story on the CBC national news.  Pfft.

So, instead, I would like to take a moment to honor another, much-more-worthy-of-our-attention, Terry Jones.  The guy from Monty Python.  The man who directed The Holy Grail, The Meaning of Life and the Life of Brian.  The guy from the famous Spam sketch, and my personal favourite The Four Yorkshiremen.

So on that note, lets think of the super fun Terry Jones on September 11th, not the Koran burning idiot who doesn't deserve another second of our attention.




Until next time,

Yoga for Skeptics

When I was driving home from work yesterday, I noticed a Yoga studio has opened up in a strip mall near my home.  There was a sign outside offering daily classes for $5 for the next two weeks, so I bounced in there full of enthusiasm to find out more.  I came home armed with a schedule and some other information, and promised the girl at the desk that I would see her at 6pm today for class.

I didn't go.  I'm not saying I won't go at all, in fact I think I might try for Saturday morning's class, but I have to admit Yoga makes me a little uneasy.

There are a couple of reasons for this.  For one thing, my past experiences with Yoga haven't been completely positive.  Last year, while I lay face down and sprawled out on the mat during Hot Yoga I swore I would never again expose myself to such high temperatures unless I was getting a tan.  Another time I made a huge fool of myself when the yoga instructor clasped her hands together and bowed her head slightly towards me.  "Namaste!" she said, to which I replied "Sure. One sugar and a little milk, please."

Namaste...This brings me to the other reason why yoga makes me feel slightly apprehensive.  I'm sure Sanskrit is a beautiful language, but it sounds a little hokey coming from someone whose only enlightened experience has been in the bargain section of Lulu Lemon. 

So, in preparation for class on Saturday, I've decided to break down four of the basic poses into something understandable and meaningful to me.

1.  Tadasana 

Ok, I'm pretty sure I can nail this pose.  In fact, I'll kick butt.  I do this one all the time.  I refer to it as the Waiting Pose.  I usually combine this with folding and unfolding my arms while simultaneously drumming my fingers, but that's probably covered in a more advanced class.

2.  Uttanasana
(These next three poses require you to think carefully about where you will stand in the yoga studio.  Preferably you are in the back row, and someone you know is in front of you.)

I refer to this pose as the Flatulence Pose.  This is because I don't see how you can concentrate on the hamstring stretch without passing gas.  I know I can't, and probably the person in front of me can't either, so I would prefer to be at least on a first name basis with them.

3.  Adho Mukha Svanasana
I refer to this as the Does My Ass Look Fat in these Yoga Pants Pose.

I can proudly say that I have this one pretty much mastered, although I tend to add the popular "fix the wedgie" twist to this one.  This pose is quite fun because you can look between your legs to the person behind you (if you're not in the back row) to see if they are, in fact, checking out the size of your bum.

4.  Ashtanga Namaskara
I refuse to do this pose.  Ever.  I think I'd be embarassed to try it even if I was by myself.   This is the Flatulence II Pose. 

Look at this guy.  He looks as if he's really trying to pass gas.  Maybe he ate too much broccoli the day before, or maybe his colitis is acting up...whatever, I don't want to be the poor sod behind him. 

So, there you have it.  Some beginner yoga poses.  After writing this post, I think I'm even less likely to attend Saturday's class than before, although I read about a new yoga mash-up on this blog which combines pot and yoga.  Although I'm not a marijuana advocate, at this point I think it sounds like a damn good idea.

Until next time,